Pearly white lies...

I remember when I started playing the horn in sixth grade. Every week, we were responsible for keeping a practice chart that showed how many minutes we practiced each day. Of course, this chart had to be signed by a parent, presumably as a check against dishonesty. But I always fudged my chart to make me look more productive than I actually was, and my mother, graciously, always went along with it.

My exaggerations were not extravagant - an extra ten minutes here, maybe half an hour on a day I didn't actually practice. Seemed believable enough, at least to me.

I recognize now, of course, how painfully transparent my lies must have been to my band director, who was a horn player to boot. Surely she could tell when I was being honest and when I was padding the numbers a little. But for whatever reason, she never chose to make it an issue.

I am always reminded of this when I visit the dentist, as I did this morning. The hygienist always asks about brushing and flossing habits. I brush three to four times a day, so we're covered there. But I am admittedly less disciplined when it comes to flossing.

And so we return to the dilemma of sixth grade: do I risk getting caught in a minor lie by exaggerating my flossing totals, or do I just admit to the fact that I probably floss once a week, maybe? After all, the hygienist just spent 20 minutes poking around in my mouth with a scraper, a mirror, and other assorted gadgets. But what exactly is she doing in there? Does she have enough to catch me in my lie?

Considering that I am otherwise a fine specimen of dental health, I opted for honesty, figuring that my stellar performance in other parts of the dental olympics would redeem myself. My strategy seemed to work, until the dentist entered the room and the hygienist immediately ratted me out as a delinquent flosser.

Note to self: remember next time that while your business keeps the clinic open, it's probably the dentist that signs the hygienist's checks. She will not be loyal to you, no matter how charming you are.

When silence is golden...

With a lease that expires on May 31, and no real need to be back here until the end of August, I spoke to my property manager last week about the prospect of brokering some kind of deal on rent over the summer. There is, of course, a cost to having a tenant leave - the unit generally sits vacant for a period of time, cleaners have to come in and get things ready for the next tenant, the property manager has to schedule showings. I figured maybe they'd come down a little in exchange for keeping me around.

I was careful not to float a number - usually the person who talks first in that arena loses. I just asked if the owners might be willing to consider coming down a little.

So I ran into my property manager today in the lobby. She said she spoke to the owners and wanted to know if I had a number in mind. I again played dumb, and she responded almost immediately by talking about all the above costs, and said the owners wanted to know if I'd consider paying half over the summer in exchange for renewing the lease.

Um, would I consider? I was hoping to get $800 out of the deal. So I got $800 just for being willing to ask, and I got an extra $400 just for keeping my mouth shut about what I thought would be fair. The lesson here is that you should never be afraid to negotiate, even if you think your chances of winning are low.

Needless to say, I'll be staying put, which is exciting on two fronts. First, I love my apartment (I'd love it more if it had hardwood floors, but we can't have everything we want). Second, it means I don't have to move my stuff.

Now I just have to figure out what to do with my summer. That should be sorted out by the end of the week, hopefully. More on that later.

Came & Went?

Such an unfortunate name, really...

SIOUX FALLS, S.D. (AP) – The Kum & Go convenience store chain is offering for sale stores in Huron and Mitchell and one of its stores in Pierre as part of a companywide consolidation.

Company spokeswoman Sara Wille said the three sales will leave the company with 17 stores in South Dakota. Construction of another is planned this fall in Sioux Falls, she said.

The Hampton, Iowa-based convenience store chain said it is holding a sealed bid auction of 21 stores: two in North Dakota, 12 in Iowa, three in South Dakota, and one each in Missouri, Montana, Nebraska and Wyoming.

Open Letters

Dear Guy in Apartment 405,

What's the deal with you deciding that three in the morning is an ideal time to crank your stereo and assault me with your ghetto-ass bass-blasting speakers? I will talk to the building manager today. This is your free pass. Or perhaps I'll start practicing at home? I'll wait for some night when you get in late, and then I'll play long notes at 9 in the morning. You owe me four hours of sleep, bitch.

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Dear KSFY,

I know there were tornadoes last night, but that's no excuse to preempt Grey's Anatomy so that you can show Doppler Radar for two hours as well. Let the other damn networks do that. You know they've got digital weather channels too, right? Maybe that's why they weren't preempting their coverage to the extent you were. Because they've joined the 21st Century. They know that many people have televisions that pick up digital channels. Or they can track the weather on the internets.

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Dear Buffalo Wild Wings,

I remember when you used to be BW-3. I know the third W stood for weck, but judging by the service we got last night, it was probably W for wonderful. And you dropped it because your service blows. I didn't even know who I was supposed to stiff on the tip because there were like five of you who "attended" to our table last night. And by attended I mean completely ignored us, even when I was waving empty beer glasses in the air, trying to land you like a wayward aircraft. The beer was flat, you got our orders wrong. Seriously, you might have fourteen signature sauces, but I'd settle for three sauces and better service.

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Dear Summer,

Are you here yet? You can't arrive soon enough.

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Dear Senator Obama,

You and your campaign provide me with numerous laughs each day. And your habit of trying to explain to the world why certain people disagree with you is just about the most condescending thing I've ever seen a politician do. Some people value the 2nd Amendment because they grew up in families that loved to hunt. A lot of people go to church because they believe in God. Rural America isn't Republican just because it lost its job or it hates immigrants. If you want to be President, you have a hell of a lot to learn about the world outside your little Ivy League thought prison. But at the rate you're going, you're totally going to blow it. Good luck winning Ohio and Pennsylvania, jackass.

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Dear Milwaukee Brewers,

Why did you spend $10 million on Eric Gagne? Did you really think that was a good idea? Jose Lima had a couple of good years too. Then look what happened. But at least you finally got rid of Derrick Turnbow.

Learn to Play the Bassoon Subliminally

I always knew it looked easy. And this eBay auction confirms it. Become a great bassoonist for just $29.99 plus shipping.

According to the auction, "This is perfect for anyone that needs to be proficient with the Bassoon QUICKLY for School, to join a band or just to impress that special someone."

Because that special someone is, of course, going to be wooed by your hot, sexy bassoon playing. How can anyone hear the bassoon and not immediately begin to undress?

Also, I love how the picture they use is of an oboist. Nice. Maybe the buyer won't notice?

Perspective

I spent my first week back here in Sioux Falls playing kiddie shows. Now, I do enjoy working with our younger audiences, but I'm also perfectly happy to retire The Story of the Woodwind Family until next season.

We play at a number of after-school programs, but also places like CCHS, which treat children with life-altering physical and mental conditions, or places like CHS, where many of the children have been the victims of physical or emotional abuse.

I'm not one to become all worked up doing these sorts of programs. I don't go home and cry for hours on end at the unfairness of it all. Life is unfair to all of us, at various times and to various degrees. But audiences like this do make you think about how often we all take the big things for granted.

Sometimes our lives become wrapped up in the silliest little matters. Maybe that E wasn't quite in tune, but when I'm done with the show, I can still go outside for a walk and fully comprehend and appreciate everything that I see. Or I can go for a bike ride, because I have sufficient control of my physical capacities to do that. I don't have problems relating to other adults because my mom hit me when I was a kid and told me she didn't love me. I can spend two hours at a science museum with a seven-year-old kid whose assistance I needed to get past step 6 of making that origami frog that you see.

That was hard, by the way. But the frog hops when you push down on the back. It's pretty sweet.

There are so many things that are more important than the things we, at any given moment, think are important. And sometimes we all need something to pull us from our little self-centered worlds in order to remember that.